trilluminati | voicemail

They didn't tell me, no.

Listen to me. That wasn't you and you know it, man. Just like I would never, ever, ever put you through what Jaden put you through, you'd never...

Please. Believe me.

I would. I almost did. It's not like being different from the memories we were cloned with. I felt my mind slip and if it happened once what's to prevent it from happening again?

[He should be tearful, sobbing but all he sounds is bland and despondent, a heavy weight on his chest.]

I thought I was saving them. I sincerely thought that. All I ever wanted was to keep everyone safe, but instead I...

Ok.

We can fix that, though. The slipping. I have a way.

You just gotta tell me how you got to slipping in the first place...

How? I took this cure that worked for Pyunma. I mostly just feel sick, but if you have something else I'll try anything. I don't want to be a danger to the group anymore.

[He sounds muffled, head lowered to his arms.]

I don't want to keep thinking it'd be better for everyone if I were dead.

It don't sound like you were afflicted the same way. C'mon, man, I gotta ask...

What happened? Whatever it is, we could figure it out.

Jaden... He said I'm destructive. That I bring ruin to those around me. He's right, to an extent. My fiancee died in my arms, Jet's died twice, I failed to save you, Jim, Chaud got injured because I decided to give Malcolm the benefit of the doubt. Eve, Harry, and Leonard... and Shindou. He got caught trying to go after me, because I put Jet's safety over everyone else's. And then I tried to kill them, at Valhalla...

I tried to kill Jaden too. More than just with the bomb. I tried to choke him with my bare hands...

[He takes a shuddering breath.]

Good people don't wrap their hands around someone's neck and press, not even someone like Jaden.

And then Kirk...

[He just trails off there. He can't. The last time that monster had gotten ahold of him is still less than 24 hours old. He can't say it.]

I thought these things before. Some of them. When Black Ghost made me a weapon, right after Hilda had died and then I woke up with a gun for a hand and a metal body and I thought I'd rather die. I'd rather be dead than suffer this. I hadn't had those feelings in years, and then here. And then we woke up here, and I...

[He swallows thickly.]

I can't stop thinking it. Ever since Jaden, it lurks in the back of my mind that maybe we should all just... let go. Let it be over. It's such a wrong way to think, Q, but it's not new. The only new thing is acting on it.

[Wow, Q really can't shake the feeling of hands around his neck, but luckily, Albert isn't there to witness that particular dilemma.]

First of all, you can't go around carrying our stupid mistakes on your shoulders forever. You ain't responsible for none of us. We get into this trouble all on our own.

But after all this... I imagine a lot of cats gonna see tearing it all down as a better alternative to building back up. I don't think you're alone there, papasan...

[Not while the cap'n is still alive, anyway.]

But you been driven to it. All those toxic people out there wanna incite that in you. You just gotta be better, we gotta be better.

[And when that fails...]

I do think I got something that'll help, by the way...

What could possibly help?

[Nothing, as far as Albert's concerned, but he's desperate enough for a hint of normalcy, for a break in the clouds to ask. Even so he doesn't agree with Q, not entirely. True some of the things that happened aren't his fault, but others are the direct result of his actions. Shindou followed him, Malcolm was allowed to wander free after killing someone. These things he could have prevented with just a little planning.

He feels he might be sick and he isn't sure if it's because of the virus running its course or his own disgust at himself.]

Before, um. The doc had a way. Of keeping me... you know.

[You know who is just as good as Albert about discussing this kind of shit? This guy. Maybe they really are family.]

If you could get your hands on a hypo I can send you over that, at least. It makes you feel pretty happy too. That'll at least tide us over til we can come up with something more concrete.

Drugs.

[The way he says it so flatly sounds like a refusal and it almost is. Vivid memories of being doped out of his mind, ill and hazy, giggling like a lunatic over nothing and not even able to form coherent sentences. The withdrawals after leaving his moods swinging like a pendulum, sick and agonized as shakes rolled through him uncontrollably, leaving him a sore heap in the corner of his cell.

Logically, this drug of McCoy's is probably not an opiate though, if he had to guess judging from the doctor's advanced medical knowledge, and if it helped Q...]

I'll ask Jet's opinion, but... I'm not sure. Tell me about it. What is it?

I could email you a list of the components. Ingredients? I ain't no doctor, you know, but I been taking it, since. Uh.

[Surely everyone remembers That Night.]

It helps with the... with the, uh...

With the what, Q?

[It's a coaxing tone, gentle and a little hopeful. He'd started by denying that Q knew at all what he was going through but maybe he does. He just wants to be sure.]

The... compulsion. To... To, uh, to... hurt them.

[Hold a moment while he just shakily sorts through the worst day of his life.]

I hurt someone real bad before he got the-- the, uh, medicine to me. Since then, I mean, I've... Well, it never happened again after all that. So. It couldn't hurt just to give it a shot, right? I mean... I didn't wanna do it. At first, but... I couldn't... I couldn't... take that chance, you know? Personally. I had to do all I could.

Is that...

[He chews his bottom lip for a moment, then charges forward with his question.]

Is that a common side effect of... of being cloned? Or somnua or... whatever else has been done to us?

You're somnua.

[He says this amidst a whooshing breath. He'd begun to suspect.]

It... In a way. Somnua unleashes the parts we keep internalized. I don't know for sure; the research isn't really there, but we're working on it, Wes and me. For now, it's a safe bet to just assume.

I wouldn't offer you anything I didn't earnestly believe would help, though. I hope you do really consider it, I... I've been what we are all my life. I wanna help.

So what it conjures up is already there?

[He sounds desolate over that realization but a moment later sucks in a soft breath.]

I'll... I'll talk to Jet about it. I'm hesitant not because I don't trust you - I do trust you - but because I've had some unfortunate history with drugs being given to me without my consent. There's also that if Leonard made this serum for you, it may not work the same on me.

Of course. All of us have the potential to do bad things... we just don't. Shit, I could tell you well as anybody.

[Lest we forget whose face it is waiting out there in the endgame.]

I don't think that means it's who you are, though. Oh hey, and don't forget...

[Q sounds pretty happy about this:]

We got the best scientist in the world on our team. He could probably tell you what's in it and what it'll do if you're worried. Just, uh...

It'd be nice if you could maybe not tell him I'm the one offering this shit to you.

You have a lot of faith in Wesker.

[At least that's who he thinks Q is referring to. Q places his faith in a lot of people, but considering the two he's heard are Pyunma and Jim and he was right on the money there... well, he feels he should trust Q's judgement.]

Why should it be a secret from him?

You want Jet to know your every aching fallacy? It's...you know.

He fixed up Pyunma and Mal, got me and the c--Kirk back on our feet -- no gratitude there, by the way -- and he's this close to honing in on a real, true cure for the Haze. Exactly why he doesn't need to worry about whether or not his lab partner's batty, especially when the doc's cure works fine.

No, but he tends to find out regardless.

So you and Wesker are...?

[No, not important to the topic at hand, even if it would be nice to talk about something besides their damage.]

I'll let you know. I trust Wesker as well. He's been working behind the scenes for our benefit this entire time.

That's not what I meant.

[Even if we are moving on, Q isn't.]

Verzeihung, I didn't mean to assume.

[He sounds almost like he's been struck, cowering a bit with the emphatic tone of Q's words.]

Yo...

[Let's redouble that hopefully:]

Verzeihung. Halt's Maul, so fliegt dir keine Mücke hinein. I told you I been a big moody baby lately.

It's fine. We've all been a little...

[He lets out a breath.]

It hasn't been easy for any of us, but at least in that fact we are none of us alone.

[It's nice to hear his mother tongue though. For all that people say German sounds angry and harsh, to Albert it simply sounds like home.]

Sind Sie fließend? Ich weiß, dass Sie Französisch und Spanisch und möglicherweise Arabisch, aber auch Deutsch sprechen?

Spreche ein bisschen Deutsch. Gēraskō d' aíeí pollâ didaskómenos. Di gantse velt shteyt oyf der shpits tsung -- nyet?

[ Q giggles. ]

I picked up this and that back home. You gotta realize where I come from, homie -- and how much it bothers my nosy proclivities when I can't get myself included in a conversation.

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