trilluminati | voicemail

papasan if I knew the answer to that question I'd only get him mad at me every OTHER day but where I am its really nice I think I'm really happy here and we could use this place to really help you guys out

He's

[Albert doesn't mean to send that but it goes regardless. His whole body is shaking slightly, including his hands, he's guessing from this so called 'cure'. It feels almost worse than the sickness.

He may as well finish the thought.]

He's lost someone dear to him. Be patient.

[He knows what it's like. Vivid memories of Jet's deaths come to mind unbidden. The soul-sucking drop in the pit of the stomach, the sense that the sun may never shine again, that you're still stuck in this mortal coil without one of the main things that made it worth bearing.

Not even getting to say goodbye.

He may not be able to look Jim in the face, but he does understand.]

If you'd rather stay where you are though, I won't begrudge you.

[The idea that maybe he wants to simply stay away from Albert comes like an unwelcome blemish, but it's a manageable one, one he can wipe away instead of simply stare at in despair. Perhaps the virus is working after all.]

I know
believe me I know & u no I'm there for the captain always but
papasan this place is so dope
everything's so weird here I fit right in
I don't got no option of staying tho whenever wes cures the haze I'll be back
maybe we could get the whole family together throw a BBQ I could go for some ribs how about you

I'm assuming "dope" is a good thing?

Far be it from me to take what peace you've found. If Wesker is with you, could you please thank him for me?

[Even if he'd gone headfirst into the thing that Wesker had tried to spare him from, the man had been working in deep cover for a long time now and that deserves praise, especially considering Jaden.

Frankly food of any kind sounds like a bad idea right now with how sick he's feeling but he'll play along regardless.]

Anything you want.

[Q won't explicitly say how much Albert's gratitude means to him, but it'll be at least obvious in his reply:]

thank him yourself when we all together again
which will be soon if I got anything to say about it
u don't even no how much I miss u guys

You're missed as well. How long have you been back? I thought you were

[Hold on this is weird to type.]

Part of Mocawa?

[Or something like that.]

o I was
until a certain meddling scientist found out about it
its been a few days now I'm still fresh as a baby over here

It seems we owe Wesker an even greater debt, then.

[He's at a loss for what else to say. Right now it's a miracle to Albert that Q even wants to associate with any of them after they let him die like that. It's likely why he's really holed up in the tower, a generous soul still wanting to help but too wounded by the actions of the rest to do it in person.

Or that may not make a lot of sense, but it's the explanation his mind is coming up with. It's doing that a lot. He'd had dark thoughts along those lines before, but after he'd been brought back that little hopeless voice had reached a screeching crescendo and it's still difficult to hear anything over it. He doesn't know if it's because he's a somnua, because of Jaden's influence, or just his own chronic condition reacting to stress.

He should just bury it and move on, bottle it up. Get over it. He's been too much of a burden already, he doesn't need to continue to do so.]

[That is fine; Q's largest dilemma at the moment is finding clean pants and he is never at a loss for what to say. They're a match made in heaven, these two.

He gives up on the pants and continues thusly:]

u could make it up to him by being the only 1 who is nice 2 him
I think u would dig him papasan

Why wouldn't someone be nice to him? I assume you are.

I should be a lot nicer
in fact I been a huge asshole to him since he revived me

I find that hard to believe. How so?

man u have no idea
got my period or something lol
guess we all been thru hell it's just a matter of picking back up now rite papi

I'm sure he'll understand your frustrations if you tell him, Q. If you're so certain no one will understand that you keep it all to yourself, then it's something of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[Which basically makes Albert the biggest hypocrite ever but this isn't about him. Right.

...]

You're right about that, though. About having gone through hell. I'm afraid that it isn't over yet either.

[It may sound like a turn of phrase, but he is well and truly terrified.]

o ya we talked it out already and everything's better than good now
we made some ballin pasta
somethin going on papasan?

[There's a pause before he answers; this is something he hasn't told Jet, afraid he'll just worry him further. The other cyborg's been putting on a positive face but it's not hard to tell just how worried he is. For Jet's sake, he can't tell him the doubts that he's about to air to Q.]

I'm trying, but
My time on the island was not pleasant. I'm afraid there are certain effects from which I won't recover completely, if at all.

I'm frightened.

[Seeing it there in type just makes him feel sicker, makes it more real. He wishes he hadn't said it.]

don't b
whatever wes can't fix well figure as we go
I been where you are now
u wanna call?

No, Jet's napping. I don't want to wake him.

[Frankly he should be napping too but the effects of the virus are making it difficult. He could go in another room, but the chance of running into someone else is too high. He doesn't feel he can handle talking to anyone else right now. And that's part of the problem.]

And I hope you've never been where I am right now.

[Used, tainted, disgustingly clingy yet infuriatingly standoffish. Worthless. He risks waking Jet to rummage for a cigarette, lighting it with shaking fingers.]

I won't know for sure unless you tell me about it

[Q has a long time to wait for a response, but finally...]

Something happened, concerning that twisted clone of the captain. As a result I feel worthless and incapable. I can't even explain candidly, it's too

[He cuts off abruptly, not able to find an adequate adjective.]

but u arent
I said I know & I do I know what they're all about and how they get into your head
it's gonna take some time tho poppasan but u gotta believe me
I'm the wunderkind rite?

You don't, Q, you don't and I can't explain it. It's different than just my mind, it's

How do I even make it up to Jet? How do I reconcile that?

[God forbid Q or anyone knows what actually happened, not until he can bring himself to tell. If ever. He's supposed to be a man, strong and sturdy and...

That kind of thing isn't supposed to happen.]

I understand
it'll take time but we can get you closure
if he knew it would not be you goldie would be unable to forgive

I'm not looking for closure, I'm just
I don't know.
I wish it hadn't happened. And I know there's no use in wishing things like that but I can't stop myself from doing it. I can't stop myself from feeling sick over it. At least with Black Ghost there was a plan, a purpose, not

not this

i feel so violated and that's a thing that happens to those who cant protect themselves. Not to me.

but i can't help feeling i deserve it, on some level. For not being able to rescue Leonard before he vanished, for leaving Eve and Shindou. For not seeign this was happening before it was too late and getting in the captain's way when he did.

[His text is getting sloppy, though he only notices after he sends the message that it's because he's breathing hard. He forces himself to calm, breathing in and out, in and out, for a long moment.]

How am I supposed to tell Jet all of that? I shouldn't have even told you. I'm supposed to be a pillar of support, not this weak.

Edited 2013-11-09 02:59 (UTC)

there's nothing saying you can't still be that
&if anyone's to blame it's me right I'm the one who did all of this
all of us didn't get it and
now we do
are u sure u can't call I just wanna hear it's really u

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